Isolated Icicles

helplessSometimes lately I have been feeling down. Really down. Way down. I am finding it difficult to keep positive in the face of adversity and for those that know me and are following this blog, they will know that this is not the usual me. The clocks changing always bring me into believing that I suffer from SAD – it’s the thought of getting up and going to work in the dark and then by the time that the working day is over, its back to the dark again. In a desperate ploy to fight this battle with the winter darkness, I have now invested in a Lumie Bodyclock – which is supposed to wake me up with gentle rising sunlight and help me to fall asleep with a beautiful sunset. As I am also convinced my hideous sleeping pattern is partly due to my constant concern that I won’t hear my alarm if I am asleep on my ‘good’ side – I am hopeful that this will help all round.

So, as the nights get darker they also seem to be getting a hell of a lot colder. Dancing on the spot isn’t even working in these conditions – so I am thinking perhaps I should just hibernate (it could also help in losing weight, surely not eating for months can only a good thing?).

hedgehog_125965496_333x269One thing that I have really noticed these past few weeks is how tired I am. Now, I have never been one to sleep a lot – five hours is a good night for me – and yet, I am now getting more sleep, albeit staggered, and feeling more tired than I have ever felt before. I have been trying to work out what is causing the tiredness and lack of general va-va-voom! and can only conclude that it must be down to lip-reading.

Since taking the ‘accessory’ out after finding it longer works following the operation, I have been (1) profoundly deaf in my right ear and partially deaf in my left ear (2) having to rely on shouty people or lip-reading. Now, lip-reading is a full on task anyway but with the addition of being a teacher with between 25-30 voices crying for your attention in a room, it becomes the task of a superhero. I seriously need to achieve a special power to help at times. I am not sure if its the focus, the attempt to hear some form of sound, the need for a volume switch, the frustration of not just being able to hear without saying ‘Pardon..’ or ‘Can you say that again..’ numerous times … it’s never ending.


So this week I have decided that I will do something about this frustration and contact the GP and my new Consultant in hope that they might be able to help me out of the doldrums and back into the festive fun. I am hoping perhaps something to aid my partial deafness  left ear, whilst we still wait to hear back results and operation notes – I still do not know why they removed the whole of my ear. I also  to seek some advice about the blood that keeps discharging from that ear, as this too is starting to become a concern. The deadline for the original hospital finding my notes is in 10 days time – fingers crossed.

Meantime, I have just purchased a new CD so will be playing that loud, dancing on the spot, singing in a tuneless voice and smiling outwards, whilst inside I sob my heart out.



One thought on “Isolated Icicles

  1. I really do feel for you – I have 70% hearing loss but my situation is a picnic compared with yours. You have already put your finger on one thing that is making you so tired and that is the sheer concentration required to listen to people and to understand what they are saying. Being a teacher with a class of 25 to 30 pupils is not an ideal occupation for someone who is deaf – I was an advocate but my hearing deteriorated to the extent that I could no longer hear everything which I needed to when I was in court and I was in danger of mishearing or misunderstanding with serious consequences if I did misinterpret what was said by either the judge or my opponent. At the end of a hearing I felt totally drained and it took several days to recover from the tiredness.

    Whilst it is easy for me to say I do feel that you need to concentrate on the positives rather than the negatives, even if you feel that one far outweighs the other, and life will gradually become easier and more bearable.

    As for the problem with the onset of winter you are not alone – it is something which many people experience – dark mornings and dark evenings can be really depressing but on the other hand there are often beautiful starlit skies when it is frosty, lights seem to shine more brightly and more clearly and it is nice to be able to snuggle down with a good book without feeling guilty that you are wasting time when you could be outdoors enjoying the fresh air.

    I have ‘enjoyed’ reading your blogs and gained much from them. I have little doubt that applies to other readers as well. You are making a positive contribution to the lives of others and I hope that will encourage you to keep on persevering.


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