Challenges? What challenges?


This week I haven’t been feeling all that great to be honest.

It’s been a combination of pain, tiredness and just feeling pretty low.

As a rule, I try not to let this ‘negativity’ affect me but for some reason the last couple of days it seems that my usual strong armour has chinked a little and allowed some of the ‘yuk’ to get in. I’m taking anti-inflammatory tabs and pain killers like they are going out of fashion and yet the pain is still there. I am constantly feeling in a state of mouth wide open yawn – not the most attractive of looks – no wonder its still the single status box ticked. And, I’m sure it’s the effect of those pesky clocks going back and causing the never ending dark days and nights, that is contributing towards my negative and feeling low persona.


Weekends should be a time for re-charging batteries and the sound of echoing laughter vibrating around your head so much so that you get a headache from even thinking about a smirk becoming a giggle, and then the giggle becoming a full on belly huting laugh.  I am hoping that the next week will start to see a new improved me, so that this in-the-head-laughter will start to echo once more. I can’t always hear the joke nowadays, so a pretend laugh, or haha, at what I believe to be the punchline is becoming more of the norm – I just hope that the laugh isn’t on me for my poor timing of a giggle.

I am planning a new regime, brighter lights, actual visits to the gym (not just putting the gear in the boot) and a whole new healthy diet – fruit and veg. I am hoping that this new approach will help me start to feel more positive about the inside and outside of me.


The plan is to lose a stone by Christmas – I have noticed that the weight has crept on this year, thanks to medication and doctors constantly telling me not to go to the gym due to my balance and low blood pressure issues. I also want to set myself a fitness challenge, like an impossible walk or climb, or even (the who know me will recognise the horror in this) a run – a half marathon. I will keep you updated with the task… and hopefully, results.

So, here’s to a more positive, slimmer, fitter, more challenging me! Why should a little thing like deafness and pain stop me?




Shaking Shambles


Finally, I have started to get some idea of the mess that the summer operation has left behind. Unfortunately, until the hospital finds my notes, I am unable to move on and accept why I now find myself profoundly deaf in one ear – when I had expected to be of the same quality, or better, hearing after the operation.

I can’t even use my hearing aid any more – when I was just getting used to it and feeling ‘normal’ again.


It seems that Consultant is now admitting a ‘shambles of care’ in a letter I have now received. Although this is a horrific admission, it actually makes me realise that I am not going mad and I am looking forward to getting the final report in another 5 weeks time – the hospital website claims I should have had my complaint dealt with fully within 4 weeks, I am currently at 14 weeks from complaint and 16 weeks from operation. It is looking like they have definitely lost those op notes.

In the meantime, I still wait to find out what the actual major disease was that I had in my ear to cause the removal of the entire content of my ear – bones, eardrum –  completely hollow. I wait to see if there was a disease there that could spread to other bones within my body. I wait to see if there is anything that could have been done earlier, like during the two years that it took for them to do the operation.

Today I am in a lot of pain. Sometimes the pain feels as though it is vibrating through my ear, this makes me hopeful that there are some nerves that have been left behind, somewhere in there. The pain often makes me feel sick. The sickness and pain together make me feel giddy and almost in loss of control of my balance, like I need to hold the wall when I walk or perhaps just stay sitting down.

IMG_8283I am hopeful that tomorrow there will be less pain. I wish that tomorrow I might hear a little sound. I will try tomorrow without taking tablets. I am determined to stay positive and strong – and of course, hopeful.